It’s been a different kind of year for sure. I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half. This Thanksgiving, gratitude is at a most basic level. I am Thankful to be here today, for our old shabby house, for food that we have, for Barton and our love for each other.

Earlier this year, I fell back in love with meditation and poetry with Brooke McNamara. Erin Geesaman Rabke led one session in the spring on Gratitude and Grief – the duality of gratitude and grief couldn’t be more relevant today. Looking at the different kinds of refrains has changed my gratitude journaling, and has made gratitude’s so much deeper.

This piece was born out of the deep reflections that this year has called forth. This year has called all of us to look at life differently. And because of the refrain, I am posting it here, an Open Thank You.

I laughed and cried while writing it, I hope you do the same reading it.

I would want you to know that no one knows our engagement story over Thanksgiving morning – 3 am constitutes as Thanksgiving morning, right? – and that it was so much better than any surprise proposal – EVER. What you think you may know about it, false advertising. Except for when I didn’t see the ring box hidden behind the Norton’s Anthology of Modern Poetry and Barton was laughing so hard he could hardly get the words out to ask me to marry him. That might be true. But the rest, way too X rated for your ears… it was the key lime pie.,, or the go-go boots…

I would want you to know how much I have lived, loved deep, grieved for the world, laughed for the universe.

I would want you to know there is a stash of notebooks in my closet with stories and poems from the age of seven. I doubt I’ll ever become Emily Dickinson or anything, but they are there.

I would want you to know the sun came out today and it warmed my smile.

I would want you to know that Kick Ass coffee is really kick ass.

I would want you to know there’s a two minute voicemail on my phone where Barton called starting laughing, couldn’t get any words out, couldn’t hang up, so belly laughed even more. You should listen to it on a bad day. If you can’t leave a voicemail on my phone, that’s why.

I would want you to know what it’s like to dance to “Shut Up and Dance with Me” full on before the day starts.

I would want you to know you fucked up. That you took something away from an entire leadership and coaching community by not letting Barton teach with you because you were afraid of his voice.

I would want you to know that I’m sorry. For as much as I get things right, I get many things wrong.

I would want you to know that even though Kona Kai sounds like a male guard dog when she barks and bangs on the window at every walker with all her dramatics, when I’m upset she drapes her body over my lap and rubs her face on my nose. And I can be like that, too.

I would want you to know that you matter, I see you. You have something to give to the world, and to follow that light. Let that light shine, even if the world is dark and cold. Your light will inspire the light in someone else.

I would want you to know that there are whole communities being left behind, silenced, steeped in trauma, stripped of freedom. Do not forget them. They are connected to you, and you to them. We are traumatizing each other over and over, have compassion on each other. Lift each other up.

I would want you to know that there is a story for every place we have travelled – running down a sidewalk to see Shakespeare’s works before they closed, stepping into the Globe Theatre; being evacuated from flooded waters the only time we visited the Outer Banks for our 5^th year wedding anniversary; almost being hit by lightning driving to Randolph; finding new hiking trails; racing down the streets of Philadelphia to see everything on our list before Barton’s wheelchair battery ran out; the CN Tower in Toronto; stuck in an airport for three days – returning after going no where. All of the adventures we’ve had won’t fit onto this page. But wow – have they been fun!!!

I would want you to know that I’ve filled a memory card with over 3,000 pictures of mountains, sun, trees, and birds. My photography shows the beauty of the land – so that we remember that there is beauty in life.

 

I would want you to know that when I sat in the black MV-1 (The Ninja Mobile / The Tank) I believed that absolutely anything was possible and now sitting in the white MV-1 (Firefly / Serenity) how thankful I am to be alive. I don’t know what our purpose it, but we are here to find out.

 

 

 

I would want you to know that my voice scares me because I open my mouth and truth falls out. It’s more powerful than I know, and sometimes that gets me into trouble (the duality of danger and beauty).

I would want you. to know no one can keep up with Barton – No One!!!  And we’re all in trouble now, especially when he does a fly by!!

I would want you to know that we came really close to losing our house after every disability contract ended after the recession, and we figured it out. Whatever else is going on in life, I can count on that. We have always figured it out. So can you.

I would want you to know that the most peaceful place in the world for me is the back porch of the Maples at sunset. And that there’s nothing like taking a nap in the Camp. Except for the time when Barton accidentally kicked me off the bed.

 

 

I would want you to know whatever your worst fear is, you can move through it.

I would want you to know that I thank you for all you have done to support me, for the times when you walked beside me, held and carried me, taught me, pushed and stretched me, I will never forget.

I would want you to know that I love you.